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The problem
Who hasn't experienced it - the inner voice in your head that says “I should be doing this now” or “I shouldn't be doing that now”?
The word “should” plays a special role for us humans, usually a much bigger role than we initially think. I would even venture to say that we Germans in particular, who are almost
infatuated with rules, have a special fondness for “should”:
As car drivers, we are supposed to stop at a stop sign.
We are supposed to complete an apprenticeship or degree in order to earn money later.
We are supposed to maintain a healthy work-life balance.
And much more.
At first glance, it's understandable: it gives us security to know how things should be and to know that everyone should follow them. It gives us a clear “right” and “wrong”, a
clear direction. It gives us mental order to know how something “should” be.
But this way of thinking becomes problematic more quickly than we can imagine.
All too often, we apply the “should” not only to systems or rules, but also to ourselves. If we listen deep within ourselves, we will quickly find out how we should and should not
be. Depending on the kind of environment we grew up in, we may hear more or less of these messages; some are easier to accept, others may have a nasty aftertaste.
A young man who has grown up from a status-rich household may have the following beliefs in his head:
- “I should earn a lot of money.”
- “I should be well dressed.”
- “I should find a partner who fits into my circles.”
The young man, on the other hand, who comes from the family of a hard-working self-employed person who is struggling to keep his restaurant afloat, may think:
- “I should work hard, I can't make ends meet any other way.”
- “I should take over my father's restaurant.”
- “I shouldn't have a family unless I can support them.”
These are just examples, of course. However, they correspond to a common pattern, because each of us carries such beliefs around with us. They are usually passed on to us by
society and, in particular, our family environment. Our school or social environment can also have a decisive influence, especially at a young age.
As we are usually confronted with them at a young age, these beliefs sound like set truths or even rules to us. They simply are. Why and why - we don't know exactly
ourselves.
Because we are usually not able to differentiate between such external influences at that age, we tend to carry them deep into our subconscious. We are only too happy to carry
them around with us for the rest of our lives, because we believe that what we should do is good and right.
And this is precisely the trap. Because in the end, our beliefs are just messages from our environment, basically from other people. And not a “truth”. It is
simply other people's view of “right” and “wrong”, of “good” and “bad”.
This does not necessarily correspond to our idea of “right” and “wrong” or of “good” and “bad”.
What does this mean in practice?
In life, we are guided by something that does not correspond to our own ideas. By using the word should, we not only stifle what we want, but also our own views and our own
values.
Those who orient themselves according to shoulds tend to be well on the way to riding themselves into disaster. Because “should” means living for others - instead of for
yourself.
This causes an incredible number of problems. We deny and repress desires, thoughts and needs that don't fit the pattern. We accept neither ourselves nor reality as it is. We live
in resistance to ourselves and our environment. We put ourselves under pressure. We judge ourselves and others. We limit ourselves. We reject ourselves.
We deprive ourselves of our own freedom and self-efficacy.
And what does that mean in essence? That we do not recognize and use our own power. It's no wonder that the “should” mindset often leads to poor self-esteem and self-confidence.
After all, we don't use and do what we could actually do.
The solution
If this sounds difficult and overwhelming, don't worry. The way out of this state is much easier than explaining how we got into it in the first place. Here's a very simple
trick.
As soon as an “I should” or an “I shouldn't” comes to mind, think about it immediately:
Why should I / shouldn't I?
Who said that?
Do I want this / do I not want this?
What are the consequences if I do / don't do it?
These questions will lead you to your own truth: to what is important to you and what makes you happy. You will quickly recognize who actually wants what, and you will also notice
very quickly when your inner voice tells you: I actually want something else.
Listen to it! Your inner voice speaks to you for a reason. It reveals a lot about your values and your priorities.
Examples:
If you really want to stick to the diet and it's important to you, you don't want to eat the second portion (has nothing to do with “should”). If you don't want to, the diet
probably won't be something you're really behind.
If you really want to pay more attention to your partner, you want to listen to them more often (has nothing to do with “should”). If you don't want to, you might not want to do
anything for your relationship.
The more you take care to question why there is a “should” behind the smallest thing, the quicker it will become second nature to you to think about what you actually want.
Start with the little things. How often you should clean, when you should show up for work - and work your way up bit by bit until you possibly come to questions like:
“Why should I actually earn a lot of money?"
“Why should I have children at all?”
It will open your eyes in many ways over time.
Because remember: there is no general “right” or “wrong”. Only you know how you want to live your life in the end, and it's your right to pursue it.