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We often find ourselves in situations that require us to make decisions. Whether it's an action, an intention or an opinion: we quickly end up in a position where we are asked to choose “one”.
Either X or Y - you can't do both.
We are familiar with this form of decision-making, or rather argumentation technique, from our school days. For example, if we were asked to take a position on a topic, we learned to carefully
list the pros and cons in order to make a decision: Either X, or Y.
As logical as it may feel, this type of approach doesn't even begin to do justice to reality. What feels like a clear point of view or a clear decision here is basically nothing more than an
attempt to divide life into black and white - no matter how many gray areas there are in between, and no matter how much we can gain from both variants. All too often, we feel torn between one
extreme and the other. Do we work a lot and neglect our private life? Or do we focus on our private life and let work slide? Either, or?
The sad joke is that the more we are stuck in an “either, or” mindset, the unhappier we become, no matter what decision or opinion we hold. Because no matter what we do, it has the character of
coercion and sacrifice. Who likes that? And who can free themselves from doubts or feelings of guilt when memories of the past or thoughts about the future come to mind?
Perhaps we also try to create a compromise. A middle way between the two. But even that often hurts. Because now we are simply spreading the coercion and sacrifice on both sides. Is it more
bearable? Yes. Does it solve the real problem? No.
We get closer to the solution if we imagine a musical instrument. Let's take a piano: we have the low notes on the left and the high notes on the right. The further to the left we play, the lower
the notes become, and vice versa. If we want to play a song, it doesn't help to choose left or right. Nor does it help to constantly hit the keys in the middle.
What we need is agility and the ability to play on both sides: To play the entire keyboard. From the lowest to the highest note. To grasp
both extremes, to integrate both, and to play appropriately according to rhythm and beat. The result is a song that moves us. And it's the same in life.
The next time you find yourself in an “either, or” situation, take the opportunity to explore the extremes. Become aware of what both extremes hold for you, or why both appeal to you. Understand
to what extent the extremes are situational - how much and when and what you need and want from them.
How would you think, how would you feel, and what would you do if you had room for both in your
life?
To pick up on the example of private life and work, I'll give you a few examples.
- Can free time be a focus and still take up less time, for example because it brings with it incredibly powerful, impactful memories (e.g. skydiving)?
- Can you advance your career part-time - for example, because you find more efficient ways to get the job done?
- Do you have a line of work that allows you to involve friends or family in your work, for example?
- Are there parts of your private life that bring you few friends and that you could make more relieving so that you have more of the experiences you are looking for (e.g. through a cleaning assistant)?
- Is the dichotomy between your private life and work perhaps due to a job or partnership that no longer suits you?
- And much more...
The answers always lie in your individual situation and, of course, in your individual personality.
In the end, you are the person who knows you best and has the most answers. With this in mind, I would like to encourage you: The next time you find yourself in an “either, or” situation,
question whether it really has to be like that.
Because all too often a third way opens up when we understand both extremes and play both: Like on a piano.