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We influence other people. Obvious or not?
It may be obvious, and yet we don't always seem to realize it.
When we walk through the world of everyday life, we primarily see one perspective: our own. We may perceive other people, but mostly only as part of our world. We react to them
and their influence on us, but then we usually stop thinking about them.
For example, if someone speeds past us in traffic at a completely excessive speed, we react with annoyance or anger: “How can you drive like that?”
Maybe we hit the horn. But that's usually the end of it. Where the speeding driver was coming from, why he was speeding and where he was actually going - we haven't given it a
second's thought.
The question is whether this is a bad thing. While you may have a clear opinion on the subject of speeding and immediately think “no”, because speeding is never justified, it
becomes more difficult in the context of other situations:
- If I have a conflict with my partner, is it bad if I don't think about his needs and feelings?
- If my child screams and cries, is it bad if I ignore it and walk away?
At this point at the latest, thoughts from childhood, from work or at home, where we were on the side of suffering, will surely come to mind:
Where someone didn't want to understand us; where someone didn't think about us; where someone judged us or simply “trampled over” us. Perhaps someone shouted at us or simply
ignored us even though we were crying. Or they simply didn't listen to us because they didn't want to understand our perspective. At best, this only hurts for a short time; at
worst, relationships develop that traumatize us in the long term.
So we know how bad it is when our “I” has no meaning for someone else.
But are we aware that our “I” is the “you” of the other person?
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Not wanting to understand the speeder is, in principle, a completely ego-based perspective. For various reasons, we refuse to adopt his perspective. This lack of change of
perspective therefore not infrequently opens the well-known window of double standards: while the speeding driver is an idiot if he drives too fast, I only drive too fast when I
am really in a hurry and have no choice.
All too often we tend to see the world through our own eyes and how others influence us, rather than taking the time to reflect on how we
influence others.
Why is this so dangerous?
Quite simply, because we then suddenly end up on the side of the coin of the experiences we described above. Depending on the situation and extent, our lack of awareness of the
“you” can lead us into a narcissistic perspective that causes harm to those around us without even realizing it. We then exploit our power for our own purposes.
An important keyword here for all self-critics: we tend to tell ourselves that we are not important anyway or that we have little influence. It may feel like that to us, but it is
by no means the reality. With my thoughts, feelings, words and behavior, I inevitably influence the thoughts, feelings, words and behavior of other people. I can hide this if I
want to, but it doesn't change the fact:
We have power over other people. Regardless of whether we want to admit it or not.
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Now some of you (especially those of us who have adapted to others far too often) may ask: “Yes, but should I always follow others and do what others want?”
These are legitimate thoughts and the answer is, of course, no. Paying attention to the “you” doesn't mean forgetting the “me”. The trick is to see both sides and to understand
the interaction of our relationships.
- Your “you” is the other “I”.
- Your “I” is the other “you”.
The influence goes both ways. Both sides have power and both sides bear the corresponding responsibility. Creating awareness of the different perspectives and considering both as
valuable and important is the be-all and end-all.
If I manage to see my own perspective with all the trimmings, as well as that of the other person, and I value both - then I am in a position to experience truly fulfilling
relationships. Because seeing both sides opens up the possibility of finding new approaches and ways that work for both sides. So I can encourage people and give them joy, I can
have authentic relationships where both sides feel safe, and I can also get pretty darn creative when it comes to conflict resolution.
It's worth mentioning that the other side has to play along - but quite often people mirror our behavior once we start doing it.
In that sense, I think with this attitude we can create real win-win situations, which there are far too few of these days. That's why, in my opinion, reflecting on this topic is
more than worthwhile!
(A little tip on the subject of changing perspectives: asking questions helps. Especially if you repeatedly clash with people or get into conflicts, it's worth asking what the
other person thinks and feels about it. All too often, conflicts are based on misunderstandings that are easy to resolve as soon as both parties understand both perspectives).